Let it Flow

According to one of my horoscopes, today I am supposed to have some very strong psychic powers. But, according to another one, I might doubt everything today.  I admit to my addiction for looking at horoscopes. I mean, I would love for there to be some true guidance from the universe. I often joke that I want to see an arrow in the side pointing in my next direction. But it’s not really a joke. I mean, I am trying to be open to whatever is percolating out their for my life. But ambiguity is definitely not easy. And if there are supposed to be signs, how do you know if you haven’t missed one, or misinterpreted one? Some days I truly trust and have faith, and then others I feel hopeless. I guess that’s only human.  Humans want to have some control over the universe (that’s why we’ve put ourselves into so many predicaments). Is that what makes us human? I want to let go of that need for control and live in a time of trusting that the energy around me is working towards helping me find something good.  I also know that I need to make some positive assertions to help that along. So here goes:

  • Nathan will get the job offer we are waiting for, so we will know where we are going to move in the fall.
  • Our house will sell within the next month, so that we have money to move and can pay down some debt.
  • I will figure out a way to make all of my dreams and goals come true including: publishing my book, becoming an arts advocate, and starting my own business.
  • Sarah will be happy, healthy, and thrive in our new home.
  • Nathan will be able to start puppeteering (or at least building puppets) and creating that career.
  • I will find a group of friends who welcome me and become very close.
  • I will stay in touch with the friends that I have now.

Is this letting it flow or visualizing? I think it is both, I’m working on having faith that things will happen, but I also need to ask for what I want. In this way, the universe will let it manifest. I truly believe that.

Thanks for listening.

Windstorm Mindblow

 

dust seen under a microscope; kurz widziany po...

Image via Wikipedia

 

The weather is crazy here today. The wind is blowing non-stop. Clouds of whitish looking dust loom like someone exploded open a  bag of flour. The dust lands nowhere, it hovers in the air. Fine particles that can barely be sen or felt, but you know they are there. Eyes water. Breathing strains. Head fills with a mysterious clogging of gunk.

I can’t help but feel that the outer weather is reflecting my mind. I know, the world does not revolve around me. But the chaos inside and the chaos outside are mirror images of each other.  I wonder if one is caused by the other?

Muddle-headed Meanderings

I cannot wake up today.

Maybe it is because today is the first official day of my unknown future.

Maybe it is because my sleep lately has been an adventure (as can be seen by previous posts).

I want to be awake and tackle the new world with focus and enthusiasm. Instead I find myself babbling on a blog and feeling unmotivated by food.

I guess it is okay to allow myself this time as long as it doesn’t turn into a lifetime.

Dream Madness

Visiting my daughter’s teacher at her home, she seems to own many exotic creatures, including a giant gorilla. She leaves us at her house and a mystical vortex opens up sucking Nathan in and morphing him into some kind of ape-like creature.

Waiting to board an airplane that is being held up because Mike Ditka [don't ask me] is insisting on his choice of seats. I finally argue that they have to let the rest of us board. We go out to the tarmac, only to discover that in order to get to the plane we have to get on an old bus. Somehow the bus gets pushed into a huge puddle of muddy water that covers the whole thing. All of the passengers get together to push the bus out of the puddle. Then, the bus driver takes off. Some of the passengers manage to jump on the back of the bus (which has now turned into a kind of bus/flat-bed truck combo thing) but a group of us are left behind running after the bus. The bus races around a curve that brings it around to the road below us, at the bottom of the hill. It seems the fastest way to catch it is for our group to slide down this giant drain pipe into a murky swamp below, which we promptly do. I speed down the open pipe until it reaches a point where it closes. Being a little claustrophobic, I climb to the top of the closed pipe and continue my slide until I splash down below and race to the road.

The scene changes. My sister and I have a little shop (more like a stand) right on the edge of a river. Literally on the edge. You can jump from the open front of the shop into the water. A family comes to look at our wares, and then goes up river for a boat ride. A while later, I see the children floating on a raft, the parents nowhere to be seen. I dive into the water to check on the kids. The river isn’t natural, it is more like a long, flowing swimming pool that continues for miles. The kids are all right, so I swim back to the shop and notice that you can’t tell what we are selling. I climb out and get into a debate with my sister about creating a better sign that can be seen from the river.

And the dreams continue . . .

Invention of Self

There’s nothing like the attempt at reinventing yourself and restructuring your life to make you really look at who you are and what you have accomplished. I recognize my accomplishments as many, and yet I still strive for something that I cannot quite see. Some people call it your “bliss” some people call it your “passion”. I’m not sure what I call it. That dream that is just beyond the horizon, in a place I cannot see. I hope that, when I look back on my life from the other side, that I feel a true sense of accomplishment. But, more importantly, I hope that I have left something worthy in this world. I don’t need to be famous or even recognized, but I do need to feel that in some way I made a difference.

That is the me I want to become.

Connections

Japanese cherry trees (Sakura), a gift from Ja...

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I remember a woman wilting in line, wondering when her prescription would be filled.  The man on the bus home, with words of honey, captured a piece of me and took it with him.  The Russian women, wild orchids in Bali, offered me words to adventure with.  The cherry blossoms of Japan shared laughter and tears.  A new driver, I watched in sadness and frustration as a boy’s skull broke like a pomegranate, hit by a car I could not catch.  Growing milkweed girls gave me gifts of disgusting bits of goo.  Mrs. Sekler, who shared her special story with me alone, revealed the numerical tattoo fading on her arm, like the remnants of a vicious wasp attack.  The clinging vine I stopped calling because I became a snob taught me humility.  A group of five roommates struggled to survive and create, living like ants in an anthill.  My Canadian friend, another seed on the wind, is my lifeline to the world.  And I recall the little dog, attached to me like a burr, who had an overnight adventure.

Did I give them anything in return?  Have I nurtured and fed?  Have I harmed and destroyed?  Are some hoping to be in my garden?  Do others simply want to be free?

Lines of energy, purple as the landing strips in geraniums guiding bees to nectar, connect all, past and present.  Thick lines are strongest.  Thin lines stretch into the distance, never breaking.  If I could see them from the universe, would the earth become a spider’s web stretching from people I’ve touched to people they’ve touched to people . . .?

Lisa A. Kramer, 8/27/2005

My Computer and Me

Call me crazy, but I am now thoroughly convinced that my computer can sense my emotions. I was just chatting with a friend on Facebook, and started venting about something that is annoying me at the moment. The computer, sensing my anger and frustration, chose that moment to have a complete meltdown. Seriously. I have been working on forgiveness and letting go of the anger that seems to boil inside me and makes me unable to move forward. So, by crashing, my computer reminded me that what I was saying was not healthy for me. All right, I know my computer isn’t a sentient being. I am not totally insane. But I do believe emotions can affect your surroundings, and sometimes that effect serves to remind you that you are human. I need to learn how to be calm.

The End is Near . . . sort of.

The End is Near!!!

It’s not the end of the world

or even the end of my life.

But it is an end

to knowing where I am

and what I am doing

for that day at least.

The end of knowing my schedule

as minimal as it is.

The end of knowing anything

or of being secure.

But it is also a beginning

of being open to something new.

Of redefining myself.

Of starting over to head

in a completely new direction

of making new friends

and finding a new place in the world.

So it is the end

But it is also the beginning.

Waking Up on the Right Side of the Bed

I woke up this morning feeling like I had been hit by a truck full of crying puppies (because my older dog spent a good portion of the night crying and waking me up for some pets).  But, after dragging my body out of bed, and getting a little fuzz therapy, attempting sit ups, and putting on pants that show every indication of becoming too big–I managed to turn the wrong side of the bed to the right side.  My daughter, however,  came in on a rampage because of a missing ribbon on her doll. It took me less than a minute to find the ribbon, but then somehow I did it wrong.  So, I guess she was firmly ensconced on the wrong side of the bed, and was trying to pull me over onto her side.

I refuse. With the new attitude I’m working on, I don’t want to wake up on the Wrong Side of anything. I know sometimes it is impossible. Sometimes insomnia or nightmares dictated that waking up is torture, and waking up on the right side of the bed would be miraculous. But, I believe that it is possible to kick the monsters of the wrong side in the butt and ALWAYS wake up on the right side of the bed.

New Glasses+New Underwear=New World

I’ve been making a lot of changes over the past few weeks (or months). That’s not to say that I have completely overcome my depression or frustration. I’m still in the waiting game with the unknown. We still don’t know quite where we will be at the end of the summer (although we have some hopes). But, I’ve made some major and minor changes that seem really symbolic, and I believe indicate something excellent on the horizon.  Here are some of them:

  • I’ve lost about 20 lbs since Thanksgiving (or, to be more accurate since my brother’s heart attack before Thanksgiving). I’m not dieting;I refuse to diet. But, I am making healthy changes and choices which seem to, slowly but surely, had an effect on my weight.
  • As a result of weight loss, I actually bought myself some new clothes (that, in itself, is quite a miracle for me). Included in those purchases was sassy new underwear (not my traditional, boring, cotton), new bras, and a sexy new bathing suit. My body is far from where I want to see it (I have at least 40 more lbs to lose) but something inside me decided it was time to start feeling good about myself no matter what.
  • I started this blog, which has been very fun and helpful in many ways. I even started a second one yesterday, for less personal stuff and more fun writing practice. (Check it out pppwritingpractice.wordpress.com) Perhaps this is avoiding some things, but I’m really enjoying writing again.
  • I started searching for my family history, just because it is something I’ve always wanted to do.
  • I walk or exercise in some form at least 5 days a week. I don’t think I need to write how helpful that is.
  • And, I finally decided to give up on contacts. They haven’t been working for me for a while (too dry, too tired). So I have ordered new glasses with transition lenses and have accepted that I can grow old gracefully. The glasses haven’t come in yet, but I really feel that they too will service my new attitude.

What other things do I need to do to keep improving my new world?  What have you done recently to improve yours?