I may not be a very religious Jew, but still this time of the year is my new beginning. Perhaps it comes from the fact that I’ve never really left school, so September starts a new cycle of students/classes/ideas/dreams. Or it is the taste of apples and honey, a tradition I still practice, to remind me of the sweetness of life and hope for the future.
This year I need a new beginning. I’ve been on a whirlwind of change for about a year and a half–achieving many dreams, discovering new confidence, growing in unexpected ways.
And yet . . .
Over the past few months I’ve also faced some inner demons. I’ve struggled in ways that I can hardly explain to myself, and have not shared in these pages. I’ve become filled with doubt that any of the changes could possibly be permanent or lead to better things. I have been consumed with my own sense of failure–one that has haunted me throughout my life.
So I need a new beginning.
Every year I write a post around this time and it is always about moving forward, being open to possibilities, embracing change. This year is no different. Except that it is. I don’t want to repeat my past. I want to find the path I was on that was propelling me into exciting new directions and making me feel fulfilled. I want to believe in myself again and in the possibility of dreams.
Yesterday, though, I dipped into my past as I try to create the new beginning. In an attempt to get my office organized and find some clarity I began to sort through old files and a closet filled with stuff. Memories flicked through the air. I found words and ideas I didn’t remember writing. I discovered projects that I had left in the middle, and projects that were complete but hidden away from public eyes. I found powerful memories of time past, when I had clearer hopes for the future.
“You should do more art” my daughter said as she helped me sort through pictures, some hers, some mine. The inner voices whispered “why bother, you aren’t good enough.” The hopeful dreamer said, “Why not? Anything is possible!”
Cleaning out made me sad. Cleaning out made me hopeful. Cleaning out made me realize it is, indeed, time for a new beginning.
I often write about the powers that we each have inside ourselves. I truly believe that we all have something special to offer the world. I know that I have those powers too, but sometimes I have a more difficult time seeing it and believing it.
I don’t know what my future holds. Although I have many projects in the works at the moment, I don’t really know where they will all lead. I have to believe though, that they will lead somewhere.
So today is a new beginning. I am making a promise to myself and a wish for the new year. I promise to believe in myself again, and to push out the negativethoughts/ideas/and people (yes there are people) who hold me back. My wish for the coming year is to rediscover the path that I’ve been on, with eyes open to possibility.
Is that wishing for too much?
What are your hopes and dreams for the New Year?